In two decades psychotherapists specialising in resolving money conflicts have observed that couples usually polarise around money. Partners tend to assume defence styles or personalities in relation to money that are direct opposites to each other. They call it Money Law: If opposites don’t attract right off bat, then they will create each other eventually.
Commonly, a hoarder marries a spender. Because of community breakdown and spiritual alienation, many people feel a core emptiness that they try to fill up with ‘Things’. If not overspending, such people are typically worrying about money or compulsively hoarding it.
If the both of you are struggling to gain common ground when it comes to money, here are the things you can do:
Divide Duties
When it comes to a household, there are a list of tasks that you must do. The marriage would never work if the both of you do not share the burden together. Like any task, financial duties are no exception. For example, one would handle day-to-day household spending, while the other focuses on long-term savings and investing. Try to work out this rule. If it’s not working, then try trading the jobs back and forth. One month you might handle household spending and your partner might focus on savings and investment. The next month, you can swap jobs. That way, both will keep track of what is happening on both ends.
Make it fun
If talking about finances just brings conflict to the table, then you may not be doing it right. One simple way of making money talks more pleasant is to plan something fun afterwards. Begin by setting up a regular day and time each month to sit down, pay the bills, discuss your expenses and review your savings plans. Then, you can head over to have fun afterwards, like going to the movies or on a bike ride afterwards. This way, your money date will feel less like a chore.
Communication is Key
Communication is also another important aspect of talking about money in the relationship. For instance, avoid using the word “budget.” This word contains negative associations for some people, which may set up a feeling of deprivation. Instead, try to think as if your are developing a spending plan. Talking about what goals you want to save for and what goods and services you want to spend your money on will make a much more satisfying conversation.
If your discussions become heated, you can take time out and discuss it another time. Talking about money does not come smoothly for some couples, which is why they need to practice good communication. Couples need to understand each other’s beliefs and values, so both of you can work together to realize your shared financial goals.
When All Else Fails, Seek Professional Help
If none of the points above have worked and you still find yourself having the same arguments in regards to money, then going to the therapist can help. Psychologists are experts in helping people change their behaviors and break out of unhealthy patterns. There are even psychologists who specialize in relationships and marital issues. Working out the troubles together means that you and your partner can learn healthy ways of communicating.
What do you think of these tips? Do you have other tips?
